I have learned a lot this year. Looking forward to what I can learn next year. What I still don't understand is why learning has to sometimes come at such a great cost. I'm not talking about money cost, I'm talking about emotional and physical cost. I'm talking about why sometimes we have to sacrifice a part of ourselves to learn what we need to and change what we need to. I still don't understand the choices some people make that hurt others so deeply and the reasons why they seem to be happier when they hurt others as they do.
I guess in a lot of ways I see things simply and very black and white. There's a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a good and an evil, black and white. There are not many grey areas in my mind. I don't see things like that. I simply see things as a right or a wrong. That's not to say there aren't some deep, hard decisions to be made in life. That's not to say there aren't some difficult things to do in life. It's just there is usually a right thing and a wrong thing. Sometimes it's two good things and it's hard, or sometimes two bad things and it's hard, but I rarely find I don't know what to do in a situation.
Now I've learned a lot this year. I've had some good times this year. Last year was hell, and this year was a lot better. I'm so grateful for the things that went on this year. However, this year is ending on a bad note.
I have a real talent for making people mad and for others assuming I'm thinking and feeling one way when I'm not thinking or feeling that way at all. Now I'm at the wrong end of someone else deciding what they've decided and I can't change their mind. I have no way to talk with them and explain myself or what I think or feel about the situation. I've once again had my hands tied, a brick wall placed in front of me and these people laughing at me saying to just get through it.
I don't like impossible situations. I feel seriously that nothing is impossible, unless people make it impossible with stubbornness and willfulness.
I always say life is fair. We've all been given the opportunity to live, laugh and love. We've all been allowed 24 hours in a day, a blue sky above us and air to breath. The only thing that doesn't make things fair is people. People with minds who are determined to believe what they are going to no matter what. People who are determined to control others and have no empathy or sympathy on how they feel. People who go off of looks, not off of the heart.
I've run across a few people like this. I won't say names. They won't realize it's them I'm talking about because from their perspective everyone else is offensive and hurtful. I'm the one who is hurting them and ruining their lives. I've been told by people I love very much that I'm judgemental and horrible. I've been told that I'm an awful person. I've been told that I'm not worthy of them in my life. I've been told that I am not worthy to be with my wonderful nieces and nephews. I've been told a lot of things from people who should know me better and love me more than they seem to that I'm just not willing to believe about myself.
What I believe is that if they gave me time to let them know what I mean they'd understand my heart. They'd understand I'm not trying to hurt them, and they'd love me. My heart aches for those I love and I so crave friendship and love from those around me. My heart has so much in it to share and give. I always think if they just knew me as I want them to, they'd love me and couldn't help but maybe like me also.
I know it's probably not true. I can't make them love me, or even like me. I want them to, and I'd love if they did. I question their intent and wonder if they think they are teaching me a lesson, because all I am understanding with their estrangement and their actions is that they don't know me and don't love me as I love them. Why not?
Boys of PHB
Barefoot boys
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Adulthood
When I was a kid I remember being so nervous about being an adult. I remember wondering how I could ever hold an adult conversation and observing others and defining what made a conversation. I sometimes am still not very good at conversations because I let myself just talk and sometimes even think out loud. No one wants to know what's in my head so I should often keep it to myself. I remember thinking adults were amazing because they knew how the world worked and could figure really hard problems out. I thought it was really cool to be so confident and knowledgeable.
Then I turned 12. I sat in the back of the primary room at church hoping they'd forget my birthday. I didn't want to get big. I wanted to stay little forever. I liked being a kid. I had no desire to know so much, grow so big, have answers to hard puzzles. I didn't want to become an adult. To this day I claim I'm 12. Why get older. I'm with Peter Pan. I'm never going to grow up.
The thing is, somehow along the way, even though I still make tons of mistakes I did grow up and gain wisdom. I'm a lot smarter than I was at 12. I'm still putting tons of things into conversations that probably shouldn't be there, but I have dear friends who have loved me along the way and have learned to laugh at the way I am, which is exactly what I hope for and expect. I somehow am living in an adult world, solving adult problems. I'm paying bills, holding down a job and raising kids (which has got to be one of the most amazing and challenging jobs of being an adult yet). I have to see a bit into the future even and decided where each and every choice will take not only me, but my family as well.
I can't believe sometimes that I'm here. Where did the years go? When did 12 year old Christine turn into 37 year old Christine? I'm still me. I still see the world through kid eyes a lot of the time. I look up at the sky amazed at the color. I look into people's eyes and am amazed that our bodies work like they do and that God built them like He did. I look at a rose and think it's crazy that such a simple thing can make me pause. I love wrestling with my kids. It's one of my favorite things to do. I love being a kid with them. Sometimes I think that I never really grew up the 1st time anyway, I stayed a kid inside so I'd have the chance to grow up with my kids. They are wonderfully amazing and I wouldn't want to miss this chance for anything.
Then I look around me at the other adults. I realize that even though we claim to be adults and have learned a lot over the years, non of us are really adults. We still have tantrums, we still play mind games, we still get jealous over stupid things and take things to heart that others don't mean. We act like children. We get mad when someone touches our stuff, we stop talking to those who make us mad instead of talking things out and we expect everyone else to apologize when we ourselves feel justified in not doing so. We are grown up kids. Life is like the Lord of the Flies. We are big kids let loose and hoping we know what we're doing. Everyday we have choices to make, decisions that will influence those around us. We look for friends and family who will justify how we feel and what we did and how we reacted. We want to be acknowledged as being right all the time.
Is it just the times we live in? Is it just the kids from the 70's and 80's all grown up deciding they will act like this? Maybe it's just the 20's and 30's . . . . the age. I don't know. Maybe this is one of those things where the answer won't come until I'm older. I don't know. I'm all for being a kid, but I've decided I can be a mature kid. I've been telling my children there's a place and time for everything. I've known that my whole life. I'm going to be mature where I need to be and a child when it's time. I can still be myself, I'm just going to remember there's a place and time for everything. There are certain places children aren't allowed. I'll have to keep that in mind.
Then I turned 12. I sat in the back of the primary room at church hoping they'd forget my birthday. I didn't want to get big. I wanted to stay little forever. I liked being a kid. I had no desire to know so much, grow so big, have answers to hard puzzles. I didn't want to become an adult. To this day I claim I'm 12. Why get older. I'm with Peter Pan. I'm never going to grow up.
The thing is, somehow along the way, even though I still make tons of mistakes I did grow up and gain wisdom. I'm a lot smarter than I was at 12. I'm still putting tons of things into conversations that probably shouldn't be there, but I have dear friends who have loved me along the way and have learned to laugh at the way I am, which is exactly what I hope for and expect. I somehow am living in an adult world, solving adult problems. I'm paying bills, holding down a job and raising kids (which has got to be one of the most amazing and challenging jobs of being an adult yet). I have to see a bit into the future even and decided where each and every choice will take not only me, but my family as well.
I can't believe sometimes that I'm here. Where did the years go? When did 12 year old Christine turn into 37 year old Christine? I'm still me. I still see the world through kid eyes a lot of the time. I look up at the sky amazed at the color. I look into people's eyes and am amazed that our bodies work like they do and that God built them like He did. I look at a rose and think it's crazy that such a simple thing can make me pause. I love wrestling with my kids. It's one of my favorite things to do. I love being a kid with them. Sometimes I think that I never really grew up the 1st time anyway, I stayed a kid inside so I'd have the chance to grow up with my kids. They are wonderfully amazing and I wouldn't want to miss this chance for anything.
Then I look around me at the other adults. I realize that even though we claim to be adults and have learned a lot over the years, non of us are really adults. We still have tantrums, we still play mind games, we still get jealous over stupid things and take things to heart that others don't mean. We act like children. We get mad when someone touches our stuff, we stop talking to those who make us mad instead of talking things out and we expect everyone else to apologize when we ourselves feel justified in not doing so. We are grown up kids. Life is like the Lord of the Flies. We are big kids let loose and hoping we know what we're doing. Everyday we have choices to make, decisions that will influence those around us. We look for friends and family who will justify how we feel and what we did and how we reacted. We want to be acknowledged as being right all the time.
Is it just the times we live in? Is it just the kids from the 70's and 80's all grown up deciding they will act like this? Maybe it's just the 20's and 30's . . . . the age. I don't know. Maybe this is one of those things where the answer won't come until I'm older. I don't know. I'm all for being a kid, but I've decided I can be a mature kid. I've been telling my children there's a place and time for everything. I've known that my whole life. I'm going to be mature where I need to be and a child when it's time. I can still be myself, I'm just going to remember there's a place and time for everything. There are certain places children aren't allowed. I'll have to keep that in mind.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Expected vs. Accepted
There is something that I'm working on and what usually brings me trouble or makes me shocked when I find things out about those I love. Why don't things I see on the news shock me? Why don't I feel as bad about things I find out go on in the world? It's not only because I'm not as close to those people, or because I don't love the world. I've come to accept that the world is a certain way and I can't change everything. I can only work on making my little corner of the world better. I'm not capable of changing everyone or everything. I'm only, trying to do my best.
I have a problem with people expecting certain things out of me and then getting mad when I don't perform to their expectations. I would rather everyone just accept that I'm doing my best and trying hard all the time to do better. So why do I do the expectation thing to others? That's just wrong.
Some things have come out lately with several people I've known for years. Some have been friends, some have been family. These things have shocked me and made me re-think things I thought I knew and believed about people. I am still a learning and growing person (hopefully mostly spiritually and mentally). I started thinking that I do this to others when I really want just acceptance from them.
I usually try to look inward towards my own actions before I complain about others. I don't want to have the same problem that bugs me in others so if I find I'm just as bad with something I'll either say that I hate that I do it too, or be aware that I don't do that. I don't like what I saw when I looked into the mental mirror and realized that I expect certain behaviors from those I know.
I have decided to try harder to just accept people for the people that they are. Oh, I'll still complain, I'm sure. I'll for sure still speak my mind and insult everyone. It seems to be my talent in life. I've just decided to accept things from people as they are. I'll be less shocked from the things they do and less disappointed. I am wanting to follow the advise to love the sinner, just not the sin. That's a balance I've had a hard time with. How do you separate something people do from who they are when sometimes they are who they are because of what they do?
I've realized it's as simple as accepting them for who they are and still sticking to my beliefs and standing strong so they know what I believe and that I won't stand by certain things or support it. I can still support someone when they are going through a hard time. I can still support their emotions without being apart of bad choices or behaviors. I can still love their souls and their hearts.
I am determined that I will start accepting people for who they are and what they can become rather than expecting them to be a certain way based on past behaviors or what I thought I knew about them. Previous opinions can interfere with happiness in so many ways.
I have a problem with people expecting certain things out of me and then getting mad when I don't perform to their expectations. I would rather everyone just accept that I'm doing my best and trying hard all the time to do better. So why do I do the expectation thing to others? That's just wrong.
Some things have come out lately with several people I've known for years. Some have been friends, some have been family. These things have shocked me and made me re-think things I thought I knew and believed about people. I am still a learning and growing person (hopefully mostly spiritually and mentally). I started thinking that I do this to others when I really want just acceptance from them.
I usually try to look inward towards my own actions before I complain about others. I don't want to have the same problem that bugs me in others so if I find I'm just as bad with something I'll either say that I hate that I do it too, or be aware that I don't do that. I don't like what I saw when I looked into the mental mirror and realized that I expect certain behaviors from those I know.
I have decided to try harder to just accept people for the people that they are. Oh, I'll still complain, I'm sure. I'll for sure still speak my mind and insult everyone. It seems to be my talent in life. I've just decided to accept things from people as they are. I'll be less shocked from the things they do and less disappointed. I am wanting to follow the advise to love the sinner, just not the sin. That's a balance I've had a hard time with. How do you separate something people do from who they are when sometimes they are who they are because of what they do?
I've realized it's as simple as accepting them for who they are and still sticking to my beliefs and standing strong so they know what I believe and that I won't stand by certain things or support it. I can still support someone when they are going through a hard time. I can still support their emotions without being apart of bad choices or behaviors. I can still love their souls and their hearts.
I am determined that I will start accepting people for who they are and what they can become rather than expecting them to be a certain way based on past behaviors or what I thought I knew about them. Previous opinions can interfere with happiness in so many ways.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Judging
So there are a lot of reasons I believe we shouldn't judge each other, but one reason has come out more and more the past few months. My thinking this way more seriously lately started with my favorite author saying she likes to treat everyone she comes in contact with as if they are having the worst day of their life, cause they just might be.
We never know what is in someones heart and mind. We never know where they are coming from, or what kind of life or hard times have made them think the way they do. We are here to help others and enjoy our time here, learn from our experiences and help others learn and grow and for all of us to become the best we can be.
When I feel judged or when someone says something mean or hurtful I usually usually hate it not only because I'm feeling judged, but also because they are usually just backing up every bad thought I've already had about myself. So I am usually not wanting to say something mean and hurtful to someone because I'm concerned that I'll only be backing up some negative thought they've already had about them self. It's hard to know if they haven't already not only had that thought, but wondered constantly if it was true or not. Then the statement is said and there it is, their negative thought about themselves has just been solidified as a truth when it isn't necessarily true.
I've felt this way. I've thought negative things about myself only to have someone say something later and I take it to heart thinking it must be true now. I've really tried hard in the past few months to change my view of myself. Now there is less negative to take to heart since my mind isn't focused that way anyway.
I do worry sometimes that my sarcasm will hurt feelings and I try to control it and make sure that everyone knows I'm joking and for certain refrain from saying things that could be taken to heart and could hurt. I know I'm going to say things to offend, but I really am not a spiteful, hurtful person and don't like to be the cause of pain.
I am a very opinionated and have strong views of what is right and wrong. I'm certain I've said things that don't make everyone happy all of the time. I'm a work in progress and hope everyone I know will accept that I'm working on it. Though very opinionated I don't judge what others think as something that they shouldn't or something that makes them a bad person. I'll argue and have fights over what I believe, but I don't want to hurt others by my actions. I hope others can feel that through all of my opinions lies someone who loves people and believes we have a heart and it needs to be protected.
Therefore, I've taken to heart to try my best to treat everyone as if they are having the worst day of their lives, because they just might be, That could explain a lot where some people are concerned.
We never know what is in someones heart and mind. We never know where they are coming from, or what kind of life or hard times have made them think the way they do. We are here to help others and enjoy our time here, learn from our experiences and help others learn and grow and for all of us to become the best we can be.
When I feel judged or when someone says something mean or hurtful I usually usually hate it not only because I'm feeling judged, but also because they are usually just backing up every bad thought I've already had about myself. So I am usually not wanting to say something mean and hurtful to someone because I'm concerned that I'll only be backing up some negative thought they've already had about them self. It's hard to know if they haven't already not only had that thought, but wondered constantly if it was true or not. Then the statement is said and there it is, their negative thought about themselves has just been solidified as a truth when it isn't necessarily true.
I've felt this way. I've thought negative things about myself only to have someone say something later and I take it to heart thinking it must be true now. I've really tried hard in the past few months to change my view of myself. Now there is less negative to take to heart since my mind isn't focused that way anyway.
I do worry sometimes that my sarcasm will hurt feelings and I try to control it and make sure that everyone knows I'm joking and for certain refrain from saying things that could be taken to heart and could hurt. I know I'm going to say things to offend, but I really am not a spiteful, hurtful person and don't like to be the cause of pain.
I am a very opinionated and have strong views of what is right and wrong. I'm certain I've said things that don't make everyone happy all of the time. I'm a work in progress and hope everyone I know will accept that I'm working on it. Though very opinionated I don't judge what others think as something that they shouldn't or something that makes them a bad person. I'll argue and have fights over what I believe, but I don't want to hurt others by my actions. I hope others can feel that through all of my opinions lies someone who loves people and believes we have a heart and it needs to be protected.
Therefore, I've taken to heart to try my best to treat everyone as if they are having the worst day of their lives, because they just might be, That could explain a lot where some people are concerned.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Politically Offensive
They all tell us to be politically correct all of the time. Then they say you can't please everyone. My question is, which is it?!
I've decided I've got to offend someone. I'm going to offend some because I'm Christian. I'm going to offend some because I'm Republican. I'm bound to offend people of other nationalities because I'm a Caucasian and an American. I'm going to offend people I meet just because I'm me. I'm going to offend my kids because I'm a mean mom (this I hear more often than necessary).
I've decided I'm not into politics, therefore I can never be politically correct. It just isn't going to happen. I will try not to hurt feelings, because everyone wants to be respected. I want respect. Where respect is due I'm there to give it. This includes giving respect when I disagree with some one's viewpoint. However, it doesn't mean I won't offend them with my differing opinion. I plan on it. I will stand for what I believe, raise my children the way I see fit and enjoy every moment of making people squirm and become upset because I said something totally wrong in their viewpoint.
Sometimes I'll explain myself, and sometimes I won't. Most people don't want to know why you've offended them, they just want an apology and for you to admit you were totally wrong in the way you see things and to finally see it their way. That's when the nod comes into play. It's a way of agreeing to disagree when no more words are needed. I use it when I know they are never going to believe or like what I say because they've decided there is nothing more to be learned by listening to some one's take on something.
I realize that listening to an other's opinion is a good thing because it helps me expand my own. I can grow and change with the best of them. As opinionated as I am, I am in no way close minded. Though I do admit to coming across that way and offending people because they have thought that about me. There I go again.
I'm OK if someone speaks their mind. I'm OK if they don't want to say prayer, because I expect they'll be OK if I do. I'm OK if they don't like something that is important to me, because I expect them to be OK that it is important to me. I don't mind a good argument because it can make for a great exchanging of ideas.
I do have a problem with things like the census. I've noticed that all of the other Americans who were born and raised here are allowed to state their genealogy on there. I still must state my skin color as being white. I'm thinking that if everyone were to be politically correct we could start with me being able to either say I'm American, or to state European American. I mean if a 6 or 7 generation black or Hispanic gets to state where their father's came from, shouldn't I get to?
I feel offended over several issues out there, but I don't go changing everyone else to fit my viewpoint because you simply can't please everyone. It just isn't going to happen. Someone will always be unhappy with something and we're an imperfect people trying to live together on the same planet.
We all need to chill out and agree to disagree listen with our ears and understanding rather than taking every word out of every one's mouth as a direct attack on us. I'm not attacking, I'm just saying.
(Just a side - I wasn't offended by the spell check telling me I'd spelled so much wrong even though I disagree. It was just saying.)
I've decided I've got to offend someone. I'm going to offend some because I'm Christian. I'm going to offend some because I'm Republican. I'm bound to offend people of other nationalities because I'm a Caucasian and an American. I'm going to offend people I meet just because I'm me. I'm going to offend my kids because I'm a mean mom (this I hear more often than necessary).
I've decided I'm not into politics, therefore I can never be politically correct. It just isn't going to happen. I will try not to hurt feelings, because everyone wants to be respected. I want respect. Where respect is due I'm there to give it. This includes giving respect when I disagree with some one's viewpoint. However, it doesn't mean I won't offend them with my differing opinion. I plan on it. I will stand for what I believe, raise my children the way I see fit and enjoy every moment of making people squirm and become upset because I said something totally wrong in their viewpoint.
Sometimes I'll explain myself, and sometimes I won't. Most people don't want to know why you've offended them, they just want an apology and for you to admit you were totally wrong in the way you see things and to finally see it their way. That's when the nod comes into play. It's a way of agreeing to disagree when no more words are needed. I use it when I know they are never going to believe or like what I say because they've decided there is nothing more to be learned by listening to some one's take on something.
I realize that listening to an other's opinion is a good thing because it helps me expand my own. I can grow and change with the best of them. As opinionated as I am, I am in no way close minded. Though I do admit to coming across that way and offending people because they have thought that about me. There I go again.
I'm OK if someone speaks their mind. I'm OK if they don't want to say prayer, because I expect they'll be OK if I do. I'm OK if they don't like something that is important to me, because I expect them to be OK that it is important to me. I don't mind a good argument because it can make for a great exchanging of ideas.
I do have a problem with things like the census. I've noticed that all of the other Americans who were born and raised here are allowed to state their genealogy on there. I still must state my skin color as being white. I'm thinking that if everyone were to be politically correct we could start with me being able to either say I'm American, or to state European American. I mean if a 6 or 7 generation black or Hispanic gets to state where their father's came from, shouldn't I get to?
I feel offended over several issues out there, but I don't go changing everyone else to fit my viewpoint because you simply can't please everyone. It just isn't going to happen. Someone will always be unhappy with something and we're an imperfect people trying to live together on the same planet.
We all need to chill out and agree to disagree listen with our ears and understanding rather than taking every word out of every one's mouth as a direct attack on us. I'm not attacking, I'm just saying.
(Just a side - I wasn't offended by the spell check telling me I'd spelled so much wrong even though I disagree. It was just saying.)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Leap of Faith
I heard a saying once that went something to the effect of - If you have to take a leap of faith God will either catch you, or teach you how to fly. I totally believe this. I think the saying was worded a lot better, but the point is the same.
I've jumped several times when I wasn't really sure what was going to happen when I landed. A leap of faith is called that for a reason. You jump and it takes a lot of faith to realize it could go either way, but you trust you'll do your best and hope it'll all end up being OK.
I took many leaps in the past few years, but the one that always sticks out the most is the one when I was having my first child. I had the full time job with benefits and Aaron had just finished school and still couldn't find a job to do what he'd graduated for. It was that same old loop of trying to find a job after graduating with no or little experience and all of the positions required experience. The problem was he wasn't going to get the experience without getting the job. Well, that's where we were when we were nearing having our first child. I knew I didn't want to go back to work after having a child. Being raised in a traditional home with my mom being a stay at home mom I knew I was hoping to do the same for my kids. I just wasn't sure how to make that happen.
I had Joseph. 15 hours of labor and 3 1/2 of that pushing he came into this world ready to overcome everything. He's been amazing from day one. We've gone head on even from then because we both have strong personalities, but he's been the most amazing experience and blessing.
I was able to have a choice up to 4 months off after having him. Aaron was able to get a job finally, though not for what he'd gone to college for, and he was happy with his job. Joseph was born in September, Aaron got his job in November and my work called me in January.
The phone call from my supervisor went along the lines of her asking if I was coming back on Monday and me hesitating. I didn't know what to do. How could I leave this helpless little guy? Financially I didn't know if we'd be OK. We had bills from the hospital, my medial insurance and peace of mind would fly with my solid job. Aaron hadn't even had his job for 2 months yet. I was terrified and unsure. I remember taking a deep breath, holding it, saying a quick prayer and responding I wouldn't be back on Monday and wouldn't be coming back at all. She was not happy and was not hoping that was how it would play out, but I wasn't going to take it back. I didn't know how things could work out, but they'd have to now
I'm a planner. I like to plan things out as much as possible, for as far into the future as I can. I have learned to "plan variables." Children are an uncertain thing. You can have a planned life until you add someone else into the mix. Children are something you can't be sure of one day to the next. Sometimes you take one day at a time.
I'm happy to say now that I'm more than grateful it played out how it did. Joseph came right on time to make it play out the way it was supposed to. I realized looking back that if it hadn't played out like it did then we would've had a harder time had it played out differently. Amazing how some of our trying times can be some of our greatest blessings. What would I have done without that lesson?!
We can learn to fly in our lives. We can jump out into nothing and know there will be a way to overcome the moment. It does only last a moment in the scheme of life. I've learned a valuable lesson and so was willing to sacrifice and have 4 more of these boys. It's not that kind of world we live in. The world doesn't make room for many children, or having faith in much. I couldn't have gotten through without it though.
I've jumped several times when I wasn't really sure what was going to happen when I landed. A leap of faith is called that for a reason. You jump and it takes a lot of faith to realize it could go either way, but you trust you'll do your best and hope it'll all end up being OK.
I took many leaps in the past few years, but the one that always sticks out the most is the one when I was having my first child. I had the full time job with benefits and Aaron had just finished school and still couldn't find a job to do what he'd graduated for. It was that same old loop of trying to find a job after graduating with no or little experience and all of the positions required experience. The problem was he wasn't going to get the experience without getting the job. Well, that's where we were when we were nearing having our first child. I knew I didn't want to go back to work after having a child. Being raised in a traditional home with my mom being a stay at home mom I knew I was hoping to do the same for my kids. I just wasn't sure how to make that happen.
I had Joseph. 15 hours of labor and 3 1/2 of that pushing he came into this world ready to overcome everything. He's been amazing from day one. We've gone head on even from then because we both have strong personalities, but he's been the most amazing experience and blessing.
I was able to have a choice up to 4 months off after having him. Aaron was able to get a job finally, though not for what he'd gone to college for, and he was happy with his job. Joseph was born in September, Aaron got his job in November and my work called me in January.
The phone call from my supervisor went along the lines of her asking if I was coming back on Monday and me hesitating. I didn't know what to do. How could I leave this helpless little guy? Financially I didn't know if we'd be OK. We had bills from the hospital, my medial insurance and peace of mind would fly with my solid job. Aaron hadn't even had his job for 2 months yet. I was terrified and unsure. I remember taking a deep breath, holding it, saying a quick prayer and responding I wouldn't be back on Monday and wouldn't be coming back at all. She was not happy and was not hoping that was how it would play out, but I wasn't going to take it back. I didn't know how things could work out, but they'd have to now
I'm a planner. I like to plan things out as much as possible, for as far into the future as I can. I have learned to "plan variables." Children are an uncertain thing. You can have a planned life until you add someone else into the mix. Children are something you can't be sure of one day to the next. Sometimes you take one day at a time.
I'm happy to say now that I'm more than grateful it played out how it did. Joseph came right on time to make it play out the way it was supposed to. I realized looking back that if it hadn't played out like it did then we would've had a harder time had it played out differently. Amazing how some of our trying times can be some of our greatest blessings. What would I have done without that lesson?!
We can learn to fly in our lives. We can jump out into nothing and know there will be a way to overcome the moment. It does only last a moment in the scheme of life. I've learned a valuable lesson and so was willing to sacrifice and have 4 more of these boys. It's not that kind of world we live in. The world doesn't make room for many children, or having faith in much. I couldn't have gotten through without it though.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Heroes
I don't really have many heroes I really admire and want to emulate as far as famous people, or anything like that. I don't put people on pillars because everyone is human and everyone has flaws. However, I do very much believe in heroes, princes and princesses.
My son Jonas decided the other day to clean the whole house by himself. It was one of those days that I just wasn't going to. I sometimes just sit down and don't clean like I usually do because it's so discouraging to clean and have it look like you haven't cleaned in years by the next hour (if it takes that long). So I was stunned to find him buzzing through the house and doing so many chores - all without being asked that I couldn't help but praise him over and over.
That is when someone is a hero. Anyone can do amazing things. Amazing things aren't always changing the world, and being a hero doesn't always mean you're being a hero to everyone. Sometimes it's making a huge difference to that one person whose world you change. Sometimes it's doing such a simple thing like cleaning when mom seems so exhausted that she isn't able to that makes the big changes. Jonas doing that made a world of difference to me. I knew for a moment I was noticed and cared for. He doesn't do it all the time, but because he was that awesome I was able to get dinner done that night. The next day I heard him tell his brother he now knew what mom feels like when she cleans the whole house.
I may never be a hero to anyone, but I'm grateful I have heroes in my life that set a good example to me and my family. I'm grateful that my kids are my heroes. They keep me going and give me a reason to not give up when I feel overwhelmed and am not sure I can go on. Aaron is my hero when I've had a nightmare and he's woken up in the middle of the night to hold me. He's taken time out of his day and his to-do list to do the things I want or feel I need done. That's a hero. Someone who does something and most of the time doesn't even know they are doing something amazing.
I have friends I look up to, but not because I think they're better than anyone else. I look up to them and think they are amazing because I've watched them go through a hard time and they've come through on top. Sometimes they have a harder time and that's when I hope I can be there for them. I'm so thankful that my life is filled with people who have learned to overcome and become better because of their trials.
As far as the prince and princess goes. Aren't we all? I tell my boys all the time they are son's of a King. They are son's of a most High God. They are my princes. They therefore need to act accordingly and treat everyone else like they are a prince or princess as well. Especially the girls. I'm so surprised I have such amazing children.
My son Jonas decided the other day to clean the whole house by himself. It was one of those days that I just wasn't going to. I sometimes just sit down and don't clean like I usually do because it's so discouraging to clean and have it look like you haven't cleaned in years by the next hour (if it takes that long). So I was stunned to find him buzzing through the house and doing so many chores - all without being asked that I couldn't help but praise him over and over.
That is when someone is a hero. Anyone can do amazing things. Amazing things aren't always changing the world, and being a hero doesn't always mean you're being a hero to everyone. Sometimes it's making a huge difference to that one person whose world you change. Sometimes it's doing such a simple thing like cleaning when mom seems so exhausted that she isn't able to that makes the big changes. Jonas doing that made a world of difference to me. I knew for a moment I was noticed and cared for. He doesn't do it all the time, but because he was that awesome I was able to get dinner done that night. The next day I heard him tell his brother he now knew what mom feels like when she cleans the whole house.
I may never be a hero to anyone, but I'm grateful I have heroes in my life that set a good example to me and my family. I'm grateful that my kids are my heroes. They keep me going and give me a reason to not give up when I feel overwhelmed and am not sure I can go on. Aaron is my hero when I've had a nightmare and he's woken up in the middle of the night to hold me. He's taken time out of his day and his to-do list to do the things I want or feel I need done. That's a hero. Someone who does something and most of the time doesn't even know they are doing something amazing.
I have friends I look up to, but not because I think they're better than anyone else. I look up to them and think they are amazing because I've watched them go through a hard time and they've come through on top. Sometimes they have a harder time and that's when I hope I can be there for them. I'm so thankful that my life is filled with people who have learned to overcome and become better because of their trials.
As far as the prince and princess goes. Aren't we all? I tell my boys all the time they are son's of a King. They are son's of a most High God. They are my princes. They therefore need to act accordingly and treat everyone else like they are a prince or princess as well. Especially the girls. I'm so surprised I have such amazing children.
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