Adulthood

     When I was a kid I remember being so nervous about being an adult.  I remember wondering how I could ever hold an adult conversation and observing others and defining what made a conversation.  I sometimes am still not very good at conversations because I let myself just talk and sometimes even think out loud.  No one wants to know what's in my head so I should often keep it to myself.  I remember thinking adults were amazing because they knew how the world worked and could figure really hard problems out.  I thought it was really cool to be so confident and knowledgeable. 
     Then I turned 12.  I sat in the back of the primary room at church hoping they'd forget my birthday.  I didn't want to get big.  I wanted to stay little forever.  I liked being a kid.  I had no desire to know so much, grow so big, have answers to hard puzzles.  I didn't want to become an adult.  To this day I claim I'm 12.  Why get older.  I'm with Peter Pan.  I'm never going to grow up.
     The thing is, somehow along the way, even though I still make tons of mistakes I did grow up and gain wisdom.  I'm a lot smarter than I was at 12.  I'm still putting tons of things into conversations that probably shouldn't be there, but I have dear friends who have loved me along the way and have learned to laugh at the way I am, which is exactly what I hope for and expect.  I somehow am living in an adult world, solving adult problems.  I'm paying bills, holding down a job and raising kids (which has got to be one of the most amazing and challenging jobs of being an adult yet).  I have to see a bit into the future even and decided where each and every choice will take not only me, but my family as well.
     I can't believe sometimes that I'm here.  Where did the years go?  When did 12 year old Christine turn into 37 year old Christine?  I'm still me.  I still see the world through kid eyes a lot of the time.  I look up at the sky amazed at the color.  I look into people's eyes and am amazed that our bodies work like they do and that God built them like He did.  I look at a rose and think it's crazy that such a simple thing can make me pause.  I love wrestling with my kids.  It's one of my favorite things to do.  I love being a kid with them.  Sometimes I think that I never really grew up the 1st time anyway, I stayed a kid inside so I'd have the chance to grow up with my kids.  They are wonderfully amazing and I wouldn't want to miss this chance for anything.
     Then I look around me at the other adults.  I realize that even though we claim to be adults and have learned a lot over the years, non of us are really adults.  We still have tantrums, we still play mind games, we still get jealous over stupid things and take things to heart that others don't mean.  We act like children.  We get mad when someone touches our stuff, we stop talking to those who make us mad instead of talking things out and we expect everyone else to apologize when we ourselves feel justified in not doing so.  We are grown up kids.  Life is like the Lord of the Flies.  We are big kids let loose and hoping we know what we're doing.  Everyday we have choices to make, decisions that will influence those around us.  We look for friends and family who will justify how we feel and what we did and how we reacted.  We want to be acknowledged as being right all the time. 
     Is it just the times we live in?  Is it just the kids from the 70's and 80's all grown up deciding they will act like this?  Maybe it's just the 20's and 30's . . . .  the age.  I don't know.  Maybe this is one of those things where the answer won't come until I'm older.  I don't know.  I'm all for being a kid, but I've decided I can be a mature kid.  I've been telling my children there's a place and time for everything.  I've known that my whole life.  I'm going to be mature where I need to be and a child when it's time.  I can still be myself, I'm just going to remember there's a place and time for everything.  There are certain places children aren't allowed.  I'll have to keep that in mind.