Boys of PHB

Boys of PHB
Barefoot boys

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Loaded question

There are a lot of loaded questions in life. Especially when anyone asks me.  I believe in telling the truth. If I'm not sure someone wants to hear it I usually ask if they're sure they want the answer before I say it, giving them fair warning they may not like what I'm about to say.  I'd rather have my feelings hurt with the truth than to not know at all. In this case I'm surrounded by people who tell me when they don't like what I do or say.  I'm glad for this.

I'm talking about a real loaded question I never thought was before now. Aaron and I are coming up on 16 years of marriage.  I'm a helpless romantic. Always have been. I believe there is romance in the most simple of things.  There is romance in a look, a slight touch, doing hard work together, just about anything can hold romance.  I used to think, in life and in movies one of the most romantic things was when people say "I love you, " or "will you marry me".  I've come to realized the latter is a loaded question.

Asking someone to marry you isn't just saying I'd like to be best friends forever and would like to spend the rest of my life loving you.  It's much more.  It's saying will you deal with me being a jerk sometimes and ignoring you other times when I'm too tired or in my own world.  It's saying there are going to be bills we sometimes won't be able to pay and I'd like you to be there with me when I have no ability to pay them. It's asking them to see your worst and best side and loving you sometimes in spite of them.  It's asking someone to deal with bodily fluids if you have kids and saying they'll stick it our.  Asking someone for them to marry you doesn't sound so romantic when thinking of all the things life holds.

I have been running on burn out for a couple of years now, if not longer.  I have serious issues with delegation.  My dad always said, "If you want something done, you're got to do it yourself." I found he was off just a bit.  It really goes, "if you want something done the way you want it done, you've got to do it yourself."  I therefore have a hard time delegating because I expect things done to my specifications and have a hard time when it's not done that way.  Not controlling at all, right?

So after running on burn out for so very long and realizing that my life as I know it now started with a simple and sweet proposal of, "will you marry me," I realized how loaded that question was.  Of course I still think it terribly romantic.  I always will.  Now though my thoughts have changed a bit.

I realized that his loaded question has brought me boys who often disrespect me, but try to do what I've told them when not at home.  Others love my boys and say I'm doing a good job with them.  I hope at this point they're being honest, because honestly I often can't see it.  I'm in the forest and can't find a log to sit on, but who has time to sit these days.

I haven't had time to write, which is my way of getting through. I learned long ago, as a teenager that if I can write it all out, I'll be OK.  I've had a crazy past two weeks that would usually send me over the edge with already running on burn out, but since I'd already been thinking of how I'd said yes to Aaron's loaded question so many years ago it was OK.  I took it all in stride and hardly complained while doing damage control.

Sometimes that's what it takes too.  Taking things back to the beginning and realizing how we got where we were.  That's how we can deal with the here and now.  Remembering him kneeling down with me in his arms and asking me so sincerely if I'd consent to be his forever.  I remember if he asked I was going to tease him, but he'd taken me by surprise and popped that loaded question.  With tears in my eyes I said yes and here we are.  Sixteen years later with 5 boys who grow too fast, a mortgage and bills we sometimes have a hard time paying. 

I love my crazy life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything, although sometimes it's tempting to get a quiet hotel room so I can read a book and get some peace and quiet.  I love that he asked me that loaded question and that without knowing all that would transpire I took a leap and said yes.  Best question I've ever been asked and best decision I've ever made.