There comes a time in most of our lives when we take a moment to re-evaluate what we believe, who we are and where we are going. I'm going through something like that right now. I'm 37 years old and entering a different time in my life. For years I've had "babies" in the baby stage with the diapers, crawling, or learning to walk and talk. I've been in the younger child state of my mothering career. I've been where at the end of the day I can't believe a full day went by once again and I've seemingly accomplished nothing. I've had few showers in these past few years. Sometimes only accomplishing one shower a week, sometimes less. I've been so busy with go, and run when the kids make a sound demanding my attention again that I'm a little lost at this change in my young family.
When I went on my mission (short as it was) I found myself trying to become something I thought I needed to be to serve as I thought the Lord wanted me to. When I got married I realized I'd never thought anyone would ever want to marry me really and went into a little bit of shock to realized that not only was I loved, but I'd somehow managed to snag a pretty amazing man. (I'm still a little shocked over that one). When I had my 1st child I wondered who I really was and who I wanted to be as a mom. What did I want to pass onto the next generation and was I up to the task? Well, I've learned a lot over the years, gained a lot of experience and I'm not done yet. I've had a friend tell me this may be a mid-life crisis, but I think it's just another turning point in my life where I can learn and grow. It's just another change too and I'm not good with change, though that is another thing I'm learning to appreciate.
Now I find myself at the threshold of being out of the baby stage and the realization that in 3 short years I'll have all of my kids in school. I already have them all talking and my youngest, little Jeremy thinks he's the boss in the home and gets quite put out when he realizes he's not. He's been potty trained for a few months now and my oldest started Jr. High.
I have wanted to start exercising for years. This baby belly just isn't going away on its own and needs to be helped to exit my life. I found that I was wanting to still walk my son to school even though he'll be 13 years old next month and not having to cross any streets and only walking a short way. I'll miss the young man. So I found something I didn't expect. They have a track up there. I walk him up, say good by and start walking a mile on the track. It's an amazing feeling to walk at any speed I want without someone stopping me, telling me to wait up, or calling my name because they need something. I don't take any music yet, just me and my ambition.
I'm sure my pioneer ancestors are embarrassed to say I'm related when one mile of speed walking is making me long to go back to bed, but I'm hoping I'll get stronger over time. My body seems to think I've been in a coma for years and not running after young children, wrestling with boys, doing house work, and anything else the past years have consisted of. I just now find myself with a few minutes here and there where I have a choice that doesn't consist of someone else telling me what needs to be done. I feel selfish in some ways. I'm wondering if I should be doing something so time consuming. But my 2nd son will be watching the younger kids until I get back and the times work well for now that I can, so selfish or not I'm taking this opportunity.
I still don't know what the future will hold. I'm still very overwhelmed at times, but now instead of feeling like I'm sinking or barely treading water, I feel like I'm floating and enjoying the bobbing of the waves around me. It's an amazing feeling to feel like I'm going to be OK. There's been some huge struggles lately and I'm still working through some of them, but now I know that I'll make it with my sanity (what's left of it) in tact for the most part. I couldn't have gotten this far with plenty of examples and help, but I'm here. I'm learning what that means, and enjoying the journey instead of being scared out of my wits. This will be a fun adventure.
