Boys of PHB

Boys of PHB
Barefoot boys

Thursday, October 18, 2012

For Worries

"For every worry under the sun,
            There is a remedy or there is none.
             If there is, hurry and find it,
             If there isn't, never mind it."

                               -Le Grand Richards

     I was given this saying by George I. Cannon.  He was the Salt Lake Temple President at the time.  I was talking with him about my getting married and asking if he'd marry my husband and I as he was also my Dad's mission President in England.  He had taken us of a tour of the inside of the Salt Lake Temple after we'd gone through.  It was an amazing experience as I got to see things I'd never seen before and probably will never see again.    He told me Le Grand Richards was older when asked by the media how he'd lived so long.  He had responded with this quote.  I love it.  I just sometimes forget it.

       I have had a lot on my plate of late.  I have found some struggles I simply don't know how to handle.  For someone as opinionated and decisive as I am, that's a big struggle.  Some things are simply out of our realm of control or ability to even deal with.  It's hard when those things touch our lives in negative ways.
      I have been tormented in my mind with what to do lately, not knowing who to turn to or where to look for good advice.  I've been a little embarrassed to talk it out with anyone as I feel I shouldn't be falling apart, or feeling like my world is crumbling around me. I feel like I should be stronger and be able to deal with everything far better than I am and with more courage.  I hate feeling weak and like I'm not capable of handling any and every situation.  Then this quote popped into my head again.

     I really think some stuff just needs to be let go.  That's a change in me, too.  I used to think every battle should be fought and every situation dealt with.  I used to think every time something happened it should be brought to the forefront and dealt with and talked out.  I've since realized there are battles to be fought and battles that are pointless and worthless to fight.  I think my children and husband have taught me this the best.  Instead of fighting my kids all along the way, constantly reminding them is better.  Not in a naggy sort of way, but like when I keep seeing them leave out their shoes, that could be a battle, or that can just be an -ask-them-to-do-that-one-more-time thing.

     Life is complicated enough without constantly fighting with everyone and about every thing.  It just gets exhausting.  What is worth fighting for?  I'll tell you what I think.  I think if it's going to matter in 5-10 years, it's totally worth fighting for.   Homework is a great example.  That makes a difference in their future.  Fighting for someone you love, that relationship, their heart.  That will make a huge difference in the eternities.  If it's the simple stuff that really won't matter in a month, a year, or more. It's just not a battle worth having.

     I have a hard time with just letting things go.  It's hard to remember this quote, but it's so worth remembering.  I know stress kills.  I know that holding onto unfixables is just like being an emotional pack rat.  How does your heart and mind look if it looked like a closet?  Is everything in your heart and mind totally cluttered with battles not won or the past constantly creeping in for "shoulda, coulda, woulda"?  I would like to think that sometimes I'm wise enough to do a spring cleaning on my heart and mind as well as my home.   Not keeping things there that shouldn't be held onto because I didn't carry out some battle for a solution there shouldn't have been anyway.

     I saw something on a show once that made me think. It was just a show.  A Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode actually.  The aliens, who were eternal beings couldn't understand why the commander lived in the time where his wife had died.  He told them he didn't want to be there, but they kept taking him back and saying, "but you live here."   Where do we live?  Do we live in our past things we can't control or change?  Or do we live in the hear and now, trying to change the future.  I'm really trying to change the future, as the past is what it is and the mistakes are what they are.

     I can't change who I was, but I can change who I am.  I can't change for someone else, or allow them to change me, but I can change for the better, and for myself.  I can't change the world, but I can make a difference in my little corner of it.  I can't change others, but I can be a constant in their lives for when they want to make changes.  I can't change things that are not changeable, but I can live in the present and change the future.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Face Me!!!

     I recently had an experience that wasn't a good one.  Well, actually a few experiences.  I've decided since then something I have been thinking for a long time.  This media sensation is wrecking human connections. 

     I have made some people upset in the near past and long past as well which is something that has recently come back to slap me in the face.  I have been texted and statused about and I think it's ridiculous.  I mean, how can people really know how you feel with just typed words.  What ever happened to a face to face (or over the phone at long distances) connection?  Texts are often misinterpreted and status reports, when given vaguely don't let the  person you're really upset with to respond.  Maybe it's not how you see it?

     I realized that people are so caught up in their own views and ideas about the situation that it gets blown up.  In every instance that happened I tried calling and talking with the person.  Without exception my calls were ignored and in one instance my number was completely blocked.

     I have been blamed for things that were completely out of my control, things I believed I was doing right, things other people have made happen and things I didn't even know were going on.  In only a couple of cases was I in reality responsible.

     I hate texting.  It originally was intended (I believe) for the quick conversation.  For an example: "When you coming over?", or, "Be there soon."  I really don't think texting is the best way to let someone know you're upset with them.  I really don't think putting some vague status on facebook is the way to go either.  I hate this with a passion.

     I'm all about people.  I love them.  I think a great conversation is an awesome and filling thing.  For me at least, texting does not fill my connection to people.  I can text with people all day and get a better human connection with a stranger in a grocery store that I'll never see again.  That's just sad that society has chosen to use an electronic device to say how they feel rather than take it to the person so their relationship can be strengthened and made better.

     I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time now.  I'm waiting for the next person to leave.  I'm just waiting until I say the wrong thing, make everyone mad and have them turn their back, text me they're upset, not let me explain or tell them my point of view and decided that the world in their head is not only the only world, but the ultimately correct one.  I'm really glad the world in my head isn't the real world. It would be wild and crazy.  I really believe people are better than this. 

     I was also thinking that maybe I'm just really intimidating.  I mean, I don't have a problem with a good conversation, even if there's a lot of passion in the heated conversation.  I don't mind having a fired up conversation about something that happened as long as cooler heads prevail.  I'm OK with fighting it out in person or over the phone.  I guess this is what happens when a totally intimidating person insults others.  They are too afraid to say it directly to me.

     I really try to live the, "treat others how you want to be treated."  I don't always succeed, but I try.  I tell people how I feel because I want the same courtesy returned.  If I've upset you or insulted you, call me or face me.  Don't text.  It's the most chicken way out I've ever seen. 

     I've lost friends and family lately and have no idea in some of those cases why.  Just when I thought I was making headway I lose ground and find myself in the same place I started or sometimes worse. 
     I can only be myself.  I can't be you, I can't be them, I can't be perfect.  I can only do my best everyday and learn from my mistakes.   I'm trying hard to make some good changes in my life.   These things aren't helpful, just hurtful. These people have taught me that no matter how much I try to change that if I slip at all and miss the mark that they will no be forgiving or helpful, but demand that I do better and they'll stay out of my life until I do.

     Here's a  call out to all of my family and friends.  I wouldn't count you as such if my heart wasn't filled with love for you.  If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be in my life.  I surround myself with good people on purpose.  People who I can grow and become a better person because of knowing them.   If you have a problem with me, face me.  I'm calling you all out if you have issues with me.  How else can I learn and grow? 
     Most people who know me well know this about me, some I guess still don't.  I love you even if you don't know me as well as you thought you did.  If you have a question, just ask me.  I have nothing to hide.  My thoughts probably aren't on what happened, just on a million other things I'm trying to do. 

     Face me!!