I try to stay positive and I usually am very successful, but lately I've had some stresses and am going through a great loss in my life and have had a hard time with it. I'm not writing about all that, but I'm writing today about what I think the source of some of it is.
I'm going to be brave and write about something I've only told a couple of people ever. These people weren't even family. I think it's a root to some problems I've had lately and throughout my life. I don't know how to describe it except to say I'm the Hulk.
I'm not green, or big like him, but I totally understand how that would feel. I'm a girl, have been my whole life obviously, but I've not connected very much to girls and feel more comfortable around guys. I hung out with guys in high school, and still feel a stronger connection to guys than to girls which has only become wider since growing older.
I used to think, as a teen that one day I'd grow out of my "tom boy" ways and start liking dressing up, doing my hair and nails and hanging around with girls. I do like doing other people's hair, but not getting mine done. I used to think I'd connect better with my mom and sisters one day and I'd find my place in life. I used to think that I'd fit in one day with girls and understand their desire to look cute and be cute and be as amazing as they are. I'm nearing 40 and it just hasn't happened yet.
Let me describe this in a different way and why I say I'm the Hulk. Imagine beautiful ballerinas doing a magical performance on stage and then out comes the Hulk, all big and green, awkward and wrecking everything. That is the only way I know to describe how I feel around other girls. I don't know when it started, but I remember feeling this quite young, maybe around 8 or 9 is when I first noticed it.
I still would rather get car grease on my hands than cook in the kitchen. I'd rather rip the knees in my jeans than sew. I'm not crafty, I'm not cute and flirty, I'm not like other girls. I have tried and had lots of friends try to help, but alas to no avail. I've always noticed that even though almost every girl I've ever me has this amazing strength about her they also possess something I've always lacked. They have this amazing thing that makes them seem to need to be protected and cared for no matter how strong they are. I don't have it. People know I'm the one who takes care of things and I do the same work as most men around me. I do have a strange issue about having to get on the roof, but still would if I didn't have Aaron. I have never had anyone feel the need to care for me like it seems other girls do.
I've probably not worded this right. I have probably insulted someone along this writing. I'm not down on myself. It's just a fact I've had to deal with. I've been around girls who are smarter, tougher, bigger, taller, wiser and stronger. I still feel the same around any of them. They have a delicate side I feel I lack. I feel awkward, clumsy, large and bulky around most girls. The only time I really don't feel this way is around guys. Good thing I have a passel of them.
I wrestle with my boys like any other boy. Did the same with my brothers. I really thought one day I'd grow out of it. Not yet. I'll probably get too old to wrestle before I grow out of it.
Don't know how to act like I'm a girl ether. I feel awkward during "girl night" too, especially then, because I realize just how different I am from all the others when the conversation gets going. Though I have had some great friends who had included me for a while in their girl nights and I will always be grateful that they overlooked my rough side and for a while took me in and included this lumbering ox in with the delicate flowers. They didn't seem worried about being trampled and I will always be thankful. I'm mourning the loss of that currently which is part of my stress and being down. I know I'll get through it, but once you get the chance to have your roughest sides overlooked and then put back out there, you wonder if anyone will overlook it again and decide you are good enough to include again.
I'm grateful for the best girlfriends I've had in my life. Who saw me for who I was and didn't concentrate on how awkward I am as a girl and didn't concentrate on how I'm more tomboyish and like to do "guy" stuff or that I feel more comfortable and confident in those areas. They didn't care and they are a blessing in my life. I am grateful for the ones who have stuck it out with me and have looked at me as someone to be cherished. I often don't think that because who could love or even like someone like the Hulk among the humans? I'm not a super hero, still looking for my place in life where I fit in and am not a blumbering idiot in situations. Still looking for a way my heart can be at peace with who I am and how I am. I'm glad I have men around me constantly (well, most still becoming men, but you know). I'm glad they don't see me yet as the weird girl I am, even though the older ones have met plenty of real girls, they just know me as mom. They don't care that I'm different, they love me anyway and these people have made a huge difference in my life.
Maybe one day I'll be my own super hero that way and find my place. Maybe one day I'll find some Avengers of my own who will include me and help me use my gigantic ways and large presence to help out and find a place where I fit. Hope for it and have for years. I'll keep working on it. I need to find my peace.
This was very hard to write and put out there, but I wanted to. I feel like it's a part of the peace I'm trying to find to finally put this in print. Writing is a kind of therapy for me and I'm glad there are friends who will read it. I'm different and crazy and am always glad there are people in the world who love me anyway.