I have learned a lot this year. Looking forward to what I can learn next year. What I still don't understand is why learning has to sometimes come at such a great cost. I'm not talking about money cost, I'm talking about emotional and physical cost. I'm talking about why sometimes we have to sacrifice a part of ourselves to learn what we need to and change what we need to. I still don't understand the choices some people make that hurt others so deeply and the reasons why they seem to be happier when they hurt others as they do.
I guess in a lot of ways I see things simply and very black and white. There's a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a good and an evil, black and white. There are not many grey areas in my mind. I don't see things like that. I simply see things as a right or a wrong. That's not to say there aren't some deep, hard decisions to be made in life. That's not to say there aren't some difficult things to do in life. It's just there is usually a right thing and a wrong thing. Sometimes it's two good things and it's hard, or sometimes two bad things and it's hard, but I rarely find I don't know what to do in a situation.
Now I've learned a lot this year. I've had some good times this year. Last year was hell, and this year was a lot better. I'm so grateful for the things that went on this year. However, this year is ending on a bad note.
I have a real talent for making people mad and for others assuming I'm thinking and feeling one way when I'm not thinking or feeling that way at all. Now I'm at the wrong end of someone else deciding what they've decided and I can't change their mind. I have no way to talk with them and explain myself or what I think or feel about the situation. I've once again had my hands tied, a brick wall placed in front of me and these people laughing at me saying to just get through it.
I don't like impossible situations. I feel seriously that nothing is impossible, unless people make it impossible with stubbornness and willfulness.
I always say life is fair. We've all been given the opportunity to live, laugh and love. We've all been allowed 24 hours in a day, a blue sky above us and air to breath. The only thing that doesn't make things fair is people. People with minds who are determined to believe what they are going to no matter what. People who are determined to control others and have no empathy or sympathy on how they feel. People who go off of looks, not off of the heart.
I've run across a few people like this. I won't say names. They won't realize it's them I'm talking about because from their perspective everyone else is offensive and hurtful. I'm the one who is hurting them and ruining their lives. I've been told by people I love very much that I'm judgemental and horrible. I've been told that I'm an awful person. I've been told that I'm not worthy of them in my life. I've been told that I am not worthy to be with my wonderful nieces and nephews. I've been told a lot of things from people who should know me better and love me more than they seem to that I'm just not willing to believe about myself.
What I believe is that if they gave me time to let them know what I mean they'd understand my heart. They'd understand I'm not trying to hurt them, and they'd love me. My heart aches for those I love and I so crave friendship and love from those around me. My heart has so much in it to share and give. I always think if they just knew me as I want them to, they'd love me and couldn't help but maybe like me also.
I know it's probably not true. I can't make them love me, or even like me. I want them to, and I'd love if they did. I question their intent and wonder if they think they are teaching me a lesson, because all I am understanding with their estrangement and their actions is that they don't know me and don't love me as I love them. Why not?
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