One thing I remember my dad telling me is that people often don't move forward with what they want to do, not because of the fear to fail, but of the fear they'll succeed. I agree with this to some degree. With success comes much responsibilities and changes.
I've had a problem that's been going on for 3 years now. The burden of this is completely on my shoulders and no one else. I've been told by numerous people what I need to do, what I should do, and what I haven't done right. I've actually tried to solve this problem several times, but it's one of those things that gets thrown back in my face just when I feel I've come to terms with things again.
In relationships there are at least 2 people involved. Usually only 2 because no one else is really apart of your individual relationship with anyone else. With relationships taking 2 people, then fights also take 2 people, which goes to say that fixing the problem or resolving problems in a relationship also require 2 people. If one person is putting forth all of the effort in the relationship and only one person has decided things need to move a different direction to make the relationship better and only one person has decided to work for that goal, it won't work. It takes both of those people to make changes or to better the relationship, a partnership to better the circumstance.
I've been told several times by various sources that I'm needing to change somethings in what used to be a relationship I had with someone. What no one knows except me and this someone is that I've tried on several different occasions. I may have gone about it the wrong way, and I'm sure I've done a lot wrong, but I know I've tried. It's been thrown back at me all the times I've tried. On a last attempt I tried again a year and a half ago. This person told me in no uncertain terms I was to stay away from them and out of their life.
Now, I had a decision to make. I could have kept trying and kept having them upset with me. I had that choice. I had thought about it. I also had the choice to follow their direction. I'm normally a more forceful person. I'm sure that's one of the things I did wrong in the last conversation, among many other things. I was determined the mess should be handled and we should fix the gap that had been separating us. This person disagreed, very obviously. So with these 2 choices in my hand I decided I was causing myself too much pain and heartache by trying to make someone want a relationship when they so obviously didn't. I took what they said to heart and stayed away.
I guess it goes back to that saying - You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I feel I've tried. It's been put back in front of me recently and I've been told I'm the one dragging this on. I took myself out of the equation and was just starting to find some peace when a new puzzle piece was added. I am certain I can still do nothing to change this person's mind, therefore am still not going to make an effort at this time.
Due to this decision I've been told I'm judgemental and I am dragging this out and holding a grudge. I really don't feel that in my heart, but who's to know what's in someones heart unless they ask. I have resolved myself to let others believe and act as they will. I'm at peace with that. I have been blamed recently also for some other peoples actions and I'm at peace with this too. I know fully I am only responsible for my own actions and my own thoughts and what I do with it all. I'm in no way perfect. I'll never be able to control others or be responsible for their actions, reactions, choices,or decisions. I'm sad I have people who should know me well deciding they know what's in my heart and being so far from the truth. However, I'm fully aware I can't change their minds.
With a brick wall in front of me and my hands firmly secured behind my back everyone was looking at me like they couldn't understand why I hadn't scaled the wall and overcome my binding. I felt it an impossible task so therefore saw a path leading another way and decided to take that path. It wasn't an easy decision. It was quite difficult. I'd gladly go back if I felt there was a chance of success. And yet........
This is where the fear of success comes to play. How could I ever trust that my heart wouldn't be ripped out again? How could I ever trust if we were able to mend the relationship that they wouldn't turn on me in a heartbeat again? How could I trust I'd even have a chance to change their minds when for three years they've kept their affirmation to keep away too? I don't know if I could. Fear of failure with trying again has been a constant companion for years. It's only just now I've realized I also have a fear of success. What if.........
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