I've been thinking a lot these last couple of months about relationships and how and why people are the way they are. I have come to no conclusions.
I have come to think about other things about people I have never realized before, or rather knew, but lessons that never sank in before.
I have always known that I can change no one else. I have, however felt that my point can still be stated and we can argue or disagree, or even agree, whatever. I don't mind a rip-roaring conversation. I don't mind a heated dispute either. I am in this alone a lot of times though and I've recently gone back to KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid.
I don't really have time to cover complicate things. I love a good conversation, but they are simpler than before. I have realized that a lot of my feelings of not feeling bonded, or close, to others is more in my state of mind than in reality. If I keep everything in my mind simple and uncomplicated then my life feels more sorted. If I think about things too much then I realized how much I'm not doing and how much I disagree with things said and done by those around me. I realized that I can keep quiet and know what I know and still respect what others know.
I am not saying I'm becoming an amiable. I'm too fired up. However, I am working on un-complicating the view of everything and everyone around me. I feel calmer when I realized I don't have to change my view point to fit other's and I don't have to change their view point or even convince them that what I'm saying is right or true. Life can be lived and friends can disagree. A real friend may disagree, but respects you for your firmness in your belief and your loyalty to them.
I have always wanted to be remembered. Not famous like, just make a little mark that I was here. Those around me knowing me and remembering me when I'm gone. I've realized this year that it may not be the case. I am forgettable to some people and that's just the way it is.I have a tendency to put things in a general terms. If one person feels that way, then lots of people must feel that way. Then I tend to really feel like everyone around me must feel that way. If I'm forgettable to one, maybe I'm forgettable to all.
I now realize that it's just not true. I don't have to do a lot to have done something. I have had five amazing boys. If that doesn't leave my mark, nothing will. I have an amazing man who loves me and if he doesn't remember me, when he gets to the other side I will simply kick his butt. I have family and friends who love me a lot in spite of how crazy and loud I am. They all know I'm hot headed and they are OK with me.
I have had a few people walk out of my life and I miss them terribly. I used to think I had to give something big and amazing to be a real friend and I haven't been feeling like that lately to anyone. So this year one of my goals was to go to things more often and to try and show how much I care. I'm just not good at this. I do want to become good at it. So with that goal in mind I have attended more girls nights than any time collectively in my life.
I have since realized that small things are good too. I don't have a lot to give, but I do have something to give. I was trying to be what I feel so many others are. I felt that if I couldn't give everything I felt all my friends were giving then I wasn't being a good friend. I now realize differently. I can give my limited time and those who appreciate it, will. Those who realize I'm doing what I can will appreciate the effort I'm making to be a friend.
Relationships aren't something that just happen. They take diligence, time, sometimes effort, and forgiveness to work. They can be fun, but sometimes take work. I am glad my husband has worked so long with me and along the way had so much fun. He has taught me more about patients than anyone else except my children. He is a great example of loving without thinking of himself. I hope to do better and better at this.
To those who have walked out of my life. I am, and will, always feel like I am your friend. You are all dear to me and I miss you. I think of you often and am glad for the time you were in my life. I am a better person for having known you, for the good and the not so much. I would love to be able to have you all re-enter my life someday, but that will have to be seen. Life isn't over until it is, and even then there is eternity to re-unite. I look forward to that time. You are loved. I can't change how you feel, but at the same time, you can't change my love for you. I respect your wishes, and I can love from here.