Questions of the heart

     I have learned a lot this year.  Looking forward to what I can learn next year.  What I still don't understand is why learning has to sometimes come at such a great cost.  I'm not talking about money cost, I'm talking about emotional and physical cost.  I'm talking about why sometimes we have to sacrifice a part of ourselves to learn what we need to and change what we need to.  I still don't understand the choices some people make that hurt others so deeply and the reasons why they seem to be happier when they hurt others as they do. 
     I guess in a lot of ways I see things simply and very black and white.  There's a right and a wrong, a good and a bad, a good and an evil, black and white.  There are not many grey areas in my mind.  I don't see things like that.  I simply see things as a right or a wrong.  That's not to say there aren't some deep, hard decisions to be made in life.  That's not to say there aren't some difficult things to do in life.  It's just there is usually a right thing and a wrong thing.  Sometimes it's two good things and it's hard, or sometimes two bad things and it's hard, but I rarely find I don't know what to do in a situation.
Now I've learned a lot this year.  I've had some good times this year.  Last year was hell, and this year was a lot better.  I'm so grateful for the things that went on this year.  However, this year is ending on a bad note.
     I have a real talent for making people mad and for others assuming I'm thinking and feeling one way when I'm not thinking or feeling that way at all.  Now I'm at the wrong end of someone else deciding what they've decided and I can't change their mind.  I have no way to talk with them and explain myself or what I think or feel about the situation.  I've once again had my hands tied, a brick wall placed in front of me and these people laughing at me saying to just get through it. 
     I don't like impossible situations.  I feel seriously that nothing is impossible, unless people make it impossible with stubbornness and willfulness. 
     I always say life is fair.  We've all been given the opportunity to live, laugh and love. We've all been allowed 24 hours in a day, a blue sky above us and air to breath.  The only thing that doesn't make things fair is people.  People with minds who are determined to believe what they are going to no matter what. People who are determined to control others and have no empathy or sympathy on how they feel.  People who go off of looks, not off of the heart. 
     I've run across a few people like this.  I won't say names.  They won't realize it's them I'm talking about because from their perspective everyone else is offensive and hurtful.  I'm the one who is hurting them and ruining their lives.  I've been told by people I love very much that I'm judgemental and horrible.  I've been told that I'm an awful person.  I've been told that I'm not worthy of them in my life.  I've been told that I am not worthy to be with my wonderful nieces and nephews.  I've been told a lot of things from people who should know me better and love me more than they seem to that I'm just not willing to believe about myself.
     What I believe is that if they gave me time to let them know what I mean they'd understand my heart.  They'd understand I'm not trying to hurt them, and they'd love me.  My heart aches for those I love and I so crave friendship and love from those around me.  My heart has so much in it to share and give.  I always think if they just knew me as I want them to, they'd love me and couldn't help but maybe like me also. 
      I know it's probably not true.  I can't make them love me, or even like me.  I want them to, and I'd love if they did.  I question their intent and wonder if they think they are teaching me a lesson, because all I am understanding with their estrangement and their actions is that they don't know me and don't love me as I love them.  Why not?

Adulthood

     When I was a kid I remember being so nervous about being an adult.  I remember wondering how I could ever hold an adult conversation and observing others and defining what made a conversation.  I sometimes am still not very good at conversations because I let myself just talk and sometimes even think out loud.  No one wants to know what's in my head so I should often keep it to myself.  I remember thinking adults were amazing because they knew how the world worked and could figure really hard problems out.  I thought it was really cool to be so confident and knowledgeable. 
     Then I turned 12.  I sat in the back of the primary room at church hoping they'd forget my birthday.  I didn't want to get big.  I wanted to stay little forever.  I liked being a kid.  I had no desire to know so much, grow so big, have answers to hard puzzles.  I didn't want to become an adult.  To this day I claim I'm 12.  Why get older.  I'm with Peter Pan.  I'm never going to grow up.
     The thing is, somehow along the way, even though I still make tons of mistakes I did grow up and gain wisdom.  I'm a lot smarter than I was at 12.  I'm still putting tons of things into conversations that probably shouldn't be there, but I have dear friends who have loved me along the way and have learned to laugh at the way I am, which is exactly what I hope for and expect.  I somehow am living in an adult world, solving adult problems.  I'm paying bills, holding down a job and raising kids (which has got to be one of the most amazing and challenging jobs of being an adult yet).  I have to see a bit into the future even and decided where each and every choice will take not only me, but my family as well.
     I can't believe sometimes that I'm here.  Where did the years go?  When did 12 year old Christine turn into 37 year old Christine?  I'm still me.  I still see the world through kid eyes a lot of the time.  I look up at the sky amazed at the color.  I look into people's eyes and am amazed that our bodies work like they do and that God built them like He did.  I look at a rose and think it's crazy that such a simple thing can make me pause.  I love wrestling with my kids.  It's one of my favorite things to do.  I love being a kid with them.  Sometimes I think that I never really grew up the 1st time anyway, I stayed a kid inside so I'd have the chance to grow up with my kids.  They are wonderfully amazing and I wouldn't want to miss this chance for anything.
     Then I look around me at the other adults.  I realize that even though we claim to be adults and have learned a lot over the years, non of us are really adults.  We still have tantrums, we still play mind games, we still get jealous over stupid things and take things to heart that others don't mean.  We act like children.  We get mad when someone touches our stuff, we stop talking to those who make us mad instead of talking things out and we expect everyone else to apologize when we ourselves feel justified in not doing so.  We are grown up kids.  Life is like the Lord of the Flies.  We are big kids let loose and hoping we know what we're doing.  Everyday we have choices to make, decisions that will influence those around us.  We look for friends and family who will justify how we feel and what we did and how we reacted.  We want to be acknowledged as being right all the time. 
     Is it just the times we live in?  Is it just the kids from the 70's and 80's all grown up deciding they will act like this?  Maybe it's just the 20's and 30's . . . .  the age.  I don't know.  Maybe this is one of those things where the answer won't come until I'm older.  I don't know.  I'm all for being a kid, but I've decided I can be a mature kid.  I've been telling my children there's a place and time for everything.  I've known that my whole life.  I'm going to be mature where I need to be and a child when it's time.  I can still be myself, I'm just going to remember there's a place and time for everything.  There are certain places children aren't allowed.  I'll have to keep that in mind.