My Dad

I've been thinking of my dad a lot lately. 

He was a good Dad.  He played with us, read stories, talked with us.  He was very loud and he made sure we heard him. I got him laughing really hard one time because I recalled times when he would yell and his face would turn read and the veins would pop out on his forehead.  He said, "Well, I got your attention and got through to you." He laughed when I told him we were just waiting for his head to explode.  Ah, the words you can't tell your parents when you are a child.  I learned how to explain how I felt and told my dad.  I'm surprised he didn't die laughing at that point.  He loved to laugh and he loved to enjoy people.  I think that's where I get that from.

My Dad was very smart.  He had gone to years of college and he liked to share what he knew.  He never stopped learning.  When he was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in the early 90's he started studying everything he could on the subject.  He found herbs he could take to make his life better so he could function and he could get around.  He loved to share with the family everything he learned along the way. As the Internet came about he started studying on there.  He looked things up and was always on there trying to find out new things.  I hope I can do that throughout life.  I want to emulate his love of learning and enjoy always finding something new to take with me.  He was an inspiration.

He taught me to fix a car and love to make things work.  Being very mechanically minded he was able to see a problem and see the end result.  He had kept his Toyota Tercell going to 400,00 miles, until it was smashed by a drunk driver.  That hatch back was half the size it normally was after it had been hit.  Though it destroyed the car, my parents were luckily alive.  They were in pain for a long time, but they lived, shocking the police.  He taught me to have faith and know that the Lord is always with me.  That accident was only one of many that he experienced in life and shared with us.

My dad had a great love of the Lord and His teachings.  He taught me that if I want something bad enough, hard work, dedication and faith in my Lord and Savior would bring about the desired results.  He was founded in a firm place and a desire to share that was strong with him.  I never saw him waver.  I never saw him lose hope.  I never saw him falter in his firm belief that the Lord is God.  That our Savior died for us and that as our older Brother He is the advocate with the Father to bring us home.  I had, my whole life, a strong desire to serve a mission.  He backed me on that.  He always backed me on my desire for serving even when some told me I should be planning my life and if I get to the proper age then I can just go if I'm not married.  My dad said I should plan what I felt was right and if I got married before that was OK too.  He gave me numerous blessings along the way to help me with that and always encouraged me to stay on my intended path.  When I had friends who were leaving sooner than me because they were guys I wanted to leave then too.  He even helped me find somewhere I could write to see if they'd make an exception and let me go early.  I had a denial letter of course, but he backed me in that too.  Ironically the Church has since changed the age of missionaries and the girls can now leave at 19.  He would have laughed and cried with me as I heard that announcement.  We would have talked about it and he would have told me it is as it should have been.  He was firm in following the Prophet.  I can't write about him or think about him without saying how stalwart he was in his belief.

My love for working on cars and telling things as they are and not cinch words comes from my Dad.  I watched as he insulted people and didn't mean to, only didn't try and say something that wasn't true.  He would love to have discussions and though he was passionate he didn't get upset if someone believed differently.  He would just state why he was right, why he believed the way he did, often using data to back up his point and explain why the other person was wrong.  However, he also listened and would take what they said into consideration.

He wasn't perfect.  One of his favorite sayings was, "if I don't do it, it doesn't get done."  Another saying was, "I talk to myself because I'm the only person I can have an intelligent conversation with."  We did plenty and my mom worked hard.  He got frustrated just like anyone and he hated dealing with idiots (which is also where I probably get that).  He wasn't perfect, but his definition of perfect meant you were on the right road.  He used to say, "Perfection is a road, not a destiny."  He told us that if we were trying every day to reach a higher plain and see the bigger picture then we were striving for being perfect. 

I learned a lot from him.  Though I rebelled as a teen and struggled with my own spirituality, he never gave up on me.  He knew my heart and mind and left it in my hands and the Lord's.  He knew I knew what I was supposed to be doing.  He knew he'd taught me everything he could.  At some point we just need to let others fall on their butt and then reach out a hand and help them back up when they have fallen.  He was like that.  He would watch me fall, but was always there to talk about something else I could do to better the situation. 

Now he is on the other side.  He died 10 years ago this August 15th.  He was a strength to me and in a lot of ways my hero as a child.  I didn't feel connected to my mom like I felt to him.  I didn't feel my mom understood me or knew where my head was like my dad did.  Maybe it's because I have always had a touch of tom-boy in me and what my dad was doing made sense.  Maybe it was because I was always clumsy and my mom was more graceful and always proper while I was growing up.  I don't know why, that's just how it was.  While my mom wanted to teach me to cook (which would be handy about now) I went outside and worked on the car with Dad.  I would rather have hung out with him than in the kitchen any day.  Canning seemed such a bore when I could get greasy on the engine.

Thanks, Dad.  I learned a lot and have built on what you have taught.  I hope when we meet again you are happy with what I have become.  I hope that as I raise my kids they will sense you in the things I teach and in the strength I have gained through your support.  I miss you and think of you often.  It's hard to believe it's been 10 years because I feel you near so often.  I hear your voice sometimes, with that strong baritone and think you are probably up there singing with the angels.  Then probably stopping the choir to tell them all how they can improve the song. The thoughts of what you are doing now makes me smile.  It's going to be nice to get a hug and talk again.  Thanks, Dad.

I have never written about him since he died.  I don't know why as I like to write and it makes me feel better.  I just never have.  10 years?! How is that possible so much time has passed without his lectures and laughter?  I guess it only means all the sooner I can see him again.  I'm very thankful that the miracle of his coming back to life when he was 6 years old happened and that I was able to have him for a father.  He was a good father. 

Being in the NOW

I love Shel Silverstein.  He was very smart. His poetry has something that fits a lot of situations.  This is his poem that used to be my way of being.  Not quite a motto, buy maybe my way of seeing myself:

"PUT SOMETHING IN
 

Draw a crazy picture,
Write a nutty poem,
Sing a Mumble-gumble song,
Whistle through your comb.
Do a loony-goony dance
'Cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world,
That ain't been there before."



I used to have so many of these poems memorized that my baby sister could turn to just about any page and I could be doing something else and still spout off these poems. I'd glance at the title and say the whole poem. Being little she was very impressed at the time.  I would be able to crochet, or do whatever and still be "reading" her Shel Silverstein poems. 

Times have changed a bit.  My siblings are far from being impressed with the way my mind works.  Mostly, at this point they get more annoyed with how my mind works and the crazy stuff that is up there than anything else. Now it's my kids that are amazed and turn pages.  My husband is very impressed as well that I have all this stuff in my head.  Useless nonsense I'll never need.  I'm glad they are impressed.  I'm impressed that Aaron has so many scriptures memorized.  I think that's a lot more impressive than a bunch of poems.

This year I've been working on slowing down and being in the now.  My brother, Larry used to say, when we were kids, that you can never be in the "now" because by the time you've even said the word it's no longer now, it's in the past.  I still laugh about that.  In spite of that thought I've been looking at staying in the moment.

I've had time pass so fast the past few years that they pass like a couple of weeks rather than 52.  I can't get anything done, don't feel like I have time to teach my children anything and feel like I'm missing their  lives as they grow older before my eyes.  My house is  never getting fixed up and plans fall by the wayside more often than I'd like.  Maybe it's because I now have a job and it takes up those few hours in a day when I used to get that done.  I still can't switch to "working mom" mode (which sounds redundant, but you know what I mean).  I'm a stay at home mom with a job on the side in my own mind.  Weird, I know, but it's how my mind works.  I guess my career is my family and raising boys.  My hobby is watching them grow and my stress is feeling I don't have enough time to do all of that before they are older and bigger. 

So I've slowed down.  I'm "smelling the roses" as it were.  I'm taking moments to listen to my children and pause that to-do list that is usually ever present in a mom's mind.  I am looking them in the eye rather than focusing on all the things I'm in the middle of.  I guess thinking that "a watched pot never boils" will make time slow down with the kids as well.  It obviously hasn't slowed time down.  Time moves just as fast.  My days are like moments and my weeks like minutes. 

The thing that HAS changed is that I have more little moments in my heart and I don't feel so rattled.  I'm way less stressed.  I'm just enjoying my career of raising growing boys. I'm taking time to enjoy the blue eyes looking at me like their whole world is dependant on my listening to how their video game went. I'm gaining a longer perspective and staying out of emergency mode.  Being constantly in emergency mode is no way to live and does not help you enjoy life at all.  I am enjoying my children so much more by just laughing again.  I usually do laugh a lot, but now I find myself laughing more.  I am enjoying the madness of raising 5 boys.

Usually I stress about how tomorrow is going to go.  I don't do that as much any more.  My stomach isn't in a constant knot and I don't constantly think everything for the next 5 years has to be done right now.  There is a time and place for everything and if I miss something I should have taught them I can rest assured that life will teach them at some point and I've done all I can do with the knowledge I have at this time in my life.  I can't do everything, but I can do something. I can make sure they go into their adult lives confident and independent.  If nothing else I'll have done that. 

With that being said, my new poem I think of more now is not the same as it was since I was a kid.  Still, it is Shel Silverstein.  He has so many that fit how I think.

"MAGIC
 

Sandra's seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins' gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself."

I know I'll miss stuff along the way, but I also know that I can make my life and those around me magical simply by taking the time to be.  I don't have to be something amazing, just me.  I can just enjoy life, and what is more magical than the moments in life that are simply happy moments.  Those moments that fill our hearts.  Those moments when a child looks into your eyes and shares the joy in their hearts, with a look that no words can describe.  The moments filled with laughter of loved ones and the joy of sharing in the laugh together.  Those moments can't happen with the stress of getting the next thing done or worry that I won't get everything done on my to-do list.  It's just as long, and isn't getting shorter, but I'm going to enjoy the journey of getting it done.  It'll get done, or it won't, but I'll have a smile on my face as I go.

A New Year....Again!!

     So once again it's the start of a new year (and if you notice I'm writing this in February).  Doesn't look like I'm off to a very good start, unless you realize why this blog is so much later than my last one and why it's about 6 weeks after the new year.

     Every year we gather the boys around and make new goals for them and us to accomplish. The only year this hasn't worked well was the year that I just didn't find time to type it up and put it up on the fridge. We read all our goals realizing that we didn't do many of them.  My dad always said that, "if you want to make something happen, write it down. If you really want to make something happen, write it down and put it somewhere you can always see it. "

     So this year we did it on the computer and I could print it out right there.  One of my personal goals this year is something I've neglected for far too many years.  I woke up one day (figuratively) and realized I used to be a better person.  Oh, not really.  I've learned and grown so much in the past 20 years I'm really better now than I have been in a lot of ways.  I'm more mature (well, sometimes) and I am a far better mom now than I was 12 years ago.  (Sorry kids).  What I'm talking about is being a people person.  I've been blind to those around me when I should have been paying attention.  I should have been less neglectful of hearts and souls than I have been.  I've been very attentive to family, while the rest of the world spun on unnoticed by me.

     One of my goals this year was to pay attention and do things a little differently than I have in the past.  Not tons differently.  My ultimate goals are still the same.  I want to spend as much time as I have left with my boys before they fly the coop ( won't be too much longer) to really get to know them and love them every second I can.  Show them how the world works, why there are so many dangers to be avoided and to let them know they don't have to try and make all the mistakes of everyone else, watch and learn and advance without making everyone else's mistakes over again.  Help lead them into being fine, upstanding men and watch them marry and treat their wives with the loving support and gentleness their father has always shown me.

     There is a world out there, though.  Being compulsive and obsessed can only get me so far with the boys if they never seeing me out there serving and doing for those I call my friends. I've said no to far too many things in the past 15 years and blamed it on the fact I have a family to care for.  I do, it's true.  It wasn't an excuse, but times change, kids grow and they need to learn in more ways than just listening to me tell them why things are the way they are. 

     I am making it a pursuit to watch for chances to show my friends I care and tell people I love them.  I haven't been very talented in that area and some of that is from pride.  Can't show I'm weak by showing I care about something, don't ya know.  Well, I've decided the weakness is definitely my pride because I like it when others show me they care, why would it be weak to show them I care?!  (Yeah, yeah.  I know, it took me long enough - better late than never, right?! )

     So this is for my boys, though I may find myself leaving them more sometimes than I would like.  I will let them know it's for service and they hopefully will understand.  I want to go to the temple to honor my relatives who have passed before me and helped shape me into the person I am and the person I'd like to be.  That's a service too.  We'll see how this comes to be, but for now, that's one of my goals.

     Funnily enough, what brought this into action (been thinking about it for a long time) was a book I picked up and started reading.  It was one my dad taught us from a lot and told us about.  Maybe you've heard of this, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People."  Great book.  Puts things in perspective for me.  Made me realized that though I'm doing a lot of right things, I may be focusing on the wrong reasons for doing them which is why I always feel like I'm not getting anything done.  Now my focus has changed and has lead me to make different choices day to day and week to week.  I look at my daily challenges differently and that has made loads of difference.

     So I'm writing about my new year because I've been focusing on my really important things and rearranging why I'm doing things and how I'm doing to do better without feeling like I'm running breathless like I have for so many years.  I used to stop and smell the roses as it were.  Now I'm doing it again.  So late in telling everyone, but not late on my new year.  I've just been so happy to see such a change in me, my home and my happiness that I haven't taken the time to blog it.  Now, here it is. Onward!!!

For Worries

"For every worry under the sun,

            There is a remedy or there is none.
             If there is, hurry and find it,
             If there isn't, never mind it."

                               -Le Grand Richards

     I was given this saying by George I. Cannon.  He was the Salt Lake Temple President at the time.  I was talking with him about my getting married and asking if he'd marry my husband and I as he was also my Dad's mission President in England.  He had taken us of a tour of the inside of the Salt Lake Temple after we'd gone through.  It was an amazing experience as I got to see things I'd never seen before and probably will never see again.    He told me Le Grand Richards was older when asked by the media how he'd lived so long.  He had responded with this quote.  I love it.  I just sometimes forget it.

       I have had a lot on my plate of late.  I have found some struggles I simply don't know how to handle.  For someone as opinionated and decisive as I am, that's a big struggle.  Some things are simply out of our realm of control or ability to even deal with.  It's hard when those things touch our lives in negative ways.
    
      I have been tormented in my mind with what to do lately, not knowing who to turn to or where to look for good advice.  I've been a little embarrassed to talk it out with anyone as I feel I shouldn't be falling apart, or feeling like my world is crumbling around me. I feel like I should be stronger and be able to deal with everything far better than I am and with more courage.  I hate feeling weak and like I'm not capable of handling any and every situation.  Then this quote popped into my head again.

    
     I really think some stuff just needs to be let go.  That's a change in me, too.  I used to think every battle should be fought and every situation dealt with.  I used to think every time something happened it should be brought to the forefront and dealt with and talked out.  I've since realized there are battles to be fought and battles that are pointless and worthless to fight.  I think my children and husband have taught me this the best.  Instead of fighting my kids all along the way, constantly reminding them is better.  Not in a naggy sort of way, but like when I keep seeing them leave out their shoes, that could be a battle, or that can just be an -ask-them-to-do-that-one-more-time thing.

     Life is complicated enough without constantly fighting with everyone and about every thing.  It just gets exhausting.  What is worth fighting for?  I'll tell you what I think.  I think if it's going to matter in 5-10 years, it's totally worth fighting for.   Homework is a great example.  That makes a difference in their future.  Fighting for someone you love, that relationship, their heart.  That will make a huge difference in the eternities.  If it's the simple stuff that really won't matter in a month, a year, or more. It's just not a battle worth having.

     I have a hard time with just letting things go.  It's hard to remember this quote, but it's so worth remembering.  I know stress kills.  I know that holding onto unfixables is just like being an emotional pack rat.  How does your heart and mind look if it looked like a closet?  Is everything in your heart and mind totally cluttered with battles not won or the past constantly creeping in for "shoulda, coulda, woulda"?  I would like to think that sometimes I'm wise enough to do a spring cleaning on my heart and mind as well as my home.   Not keeping things there that shouldn't be held onto because I didn't carry out some battle for a solution there shouldn't have been anyway.

     I saw something on a show once that made me think. It was just a show.  A Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode actually.  The aliens, who were eternal beings couldn't understand why the commander lived in the time where his wife had died.  He told them he didn't want to be there, but they kept taking him back and saying, "but you live here."   Where do we live?  Do we live in our past things we can't control or change?  Or do we live in the hear and now, trying to change the future.  I'm really trying to change the future, as the past is what it is and the mistakes are what they are.

     I can't change who I was, but I can change who I am.  I can't change for someone else, or allow them to change me, but I can change for the better, and for myself.  I can't change the world, but I can make a difference in my little corner of it.  I can't change others, but I can be a constant in their lives for when they want to make changes.  I can't change things that are not changeable, but I can live in the present and change the future.



Face Me!!!

     I recently had an experience that wasn't a good one.  Well, actually a few experiences.  I've decided since then something I have been thinking for a long time.  This media sensation is wrecking human connections. 

     I have made some people upset in the near past and long past as well which is something that has recently come back to slap me in the face.  I have been texted and statused about and I think it's ridiculous.  I mean, how can people really know how you feel with just typed words.  What ever happened to a face to face (or over the phone at long distances) connection?  Texts are often misinterpreted and status reports, when given vaguely don't let the  person you're really upset with to respond.  Maybe it's not how you see it?

     I realized that people are so caught up in their own views and ideas about the situation that it gets blown up.  In every instance that happened I tried calling and talking with the person.  Without exception my calls were ignored and in one instance my number was completely blocked.

     I have been blamed for things that were completely out of my control, things I believed I was doing right, things other people have made happen and things I didn't even know were going on.  In only a couple of cases was I in reality responsible.

     I hate texting.  It originally was intended (I believe) for the quick conversation.  For an example: "When you coming over?", or, "Be there soon."  I really don't think texting is the best way to let someone know you're upset with them.  I really don't think putting some vague status on facebook is the way to go either.  I hate this with a passion.

     I'm all about people.  I love them.  I think a great conversation is an awesome and filling thing.  For me at least, texting does not fill my connection to people.  I can text with people all day and get a better human connection with a stranger in a grocery store that I'll never see again.  That's just sad that society has chosen to use an electronic device to say how they feel rather than take it to the person so their relationship can be strengthened and made better.

     I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time now.  I'm waiting for the next person to leave.  I'm just waiting until I say the wrong thing, make everyone mad and have them turn their back, text me they're upset, not let me explain or tell them my point of view and decided that the world in their head is not only the only world, but the ultimately correct one.  I'm really glad the world in my head isn't the real world. It would be wild and crazy.  I really believe people are better than this. 

     I was also thinking that maybe I'm just really intimidating.  I mean, I don't have a problem with a good conversation, even if there's a lot of passion in the heated conversation.  I don't mind having a fired up conversation about something that happened as long as cooler heads prevail.  I'm OK with fighting it out in person or over the phone.  I guess this is what happens when a totally intimidating person insults others.  They are too afraid to say it directly to me.

     I really try to live the, "treat others how you want to be treated."  I don't always succeed, but I try.  I tell people how I feel because I want the same courtesy returned.  If I've upset you or insulted you, call me or face me.  Don't text.  It's the most chicken way out I've ever seen. 

     I've lost friends and family lately and have no idea in some of those cases why.  Just when I thought I was making headway I lose ground and find myself in the same place I started or sometimes worse. 
   
     I can only be myself.  I can't be you, I can't be them, I can't be perfect.  I can only do my best everyday and learn from my mistakes.   I'm trying hard to make some good changes in my life.   These things aren't helpful, just hurtful. These people have taught me that no matter how much I try to change that if I slip at all and miss the mark that they will no be forgiving or helpful, but demand that I do better and they'll stay out of my life until I do.

     Here's a  call out to all of my family and friends.  I wouldn't count you as such if my heart wasn't filled with love for you.  If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be in my life.  I surround myself with good people on purpose.  People who I can grow and become a better person because of knowing them.   If you have a problem with me, face me.  I'm calling you all out if you have issues with me.  How else can I learn and grow? 
 
     Most people who know me well know this about me, some I guess still don't.  I love you even if you don't know me as well as you thought you did.  If you have a question, just ask me.  I have nothing to hide.  My thoughts probably aren't on what happened, just on a million other things I'm trying to do. 

     Face me!!

Distractions

     My dad used to say, "Don't give up what you want most, for what you want at the moment."

     I thought I understood what he was talking about when I was young and he said it all the time. It wasn't until recently that I've revisited old memories and realized as a child I didn't fully grasp what he was trying to get through.

     As a child I thought he was talking about when I had 5 bucks and it was burning a whole in my pocket.  I really was trying to save for something, but I saw so many things I wanted at the moment.  It was easy to think, well, I really want that other thing I'm saving for, but I can save next time.

     He did mean that, but now I'm pretty sure that was just an example of something so much deeper and bigger. 

      I now have children, a mortgage, a marriage, work, things I'm trying to learn like piano and Spanish, church responsibilities and so much more on my plate it would take a whole blog to write down.  The thing is, what is the most important thing?

     I was thinking the other day, while going through a really hard time that I need to once again stay focused.  It's hard to stay focused and has been my whole life.  I have ADHD and thought I've learned to live with it and get through school and life it wasn't without difficulties.  That's another blog though.  What is my ultimate goal?  What am I really trying to reach?  What do I want to be doing in 20 years?  Where do I want to be in life?

     A person can only plan so much.  Life happens as they say.  However, planning is essential to making sure you do your best to get where you're wanting to go.  There was a poster I still remember on my Jr. High English teacher's wall.  It said, "If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else."  Another thing I think of often.  I can only do so much without planning.

     As far as planning, the same goes for not getting distracted.  I got distracted in school, often.  I got distracted in life, again, often.  I more than often got distracted while a teenager.  I have more than often gotten distracted while being an adult.  There are so many distractions in life.  Too many distractions with what's most important. 
  
     I really want to be able to raise my boys to be amazing men.  I know that's what everyone wants. All of us go about it differently.  Not all of us believe the same way, but we (as parents) all want our children to be amazing.  There are a  lot of distractions in this endeavor.  There are even more when it comes to marriage.  I really need to concentrate more on that desire and not get distracted.

     My first distraction as a youth was my friends and my stubborn opinions.  I had a hard time listening to those who cared about me most.  That has very greatly affected me now. 
    
      My distractions now are so many things.  Distractions from my family is mostly my time. I have such limited time and I have so very much I have my hands in.  Much of what I'm involved in is very important.  I love doing family history, temple work, crafts that improve our way of life, work (I teach breastfeeding).  I want to learn Spanish and get better at sign language because I love communication.  I want to learn piano because our church needs more people to do it and I've wanted to for most of my life.   Then we get to the money. There are so many places our money can go. I have wanted braces since I was 10, they aren't cheap and my 2 older boys are in them now, with my 3rd boy having to go into them soon.

     Where do I stop with the distractions? They are continuous.  They are never ending.  Where I ignore one another one creeps in.  Trying to stay focused is a strain sometimes. Then there is the thing with, "you need time for yourself."  It's true, we all need alone time.  But if I got me time as much as the world says I should I'd never be with my family ever.

     I'm now trying to remember that there is a time in life for everything.  I've chosen to have these children, this marriage and this life at this time.  These children won't be children forever, one day they will be adults.  I only have a few short years to teach them and help them make correct choices in their lives.  It goes by so quickly.  I realized today that the next time we vote fore a president (in 4 years) my oldest will be graduating high school.  I'm stunned. 

     I will get on the piano when I can, study Spanish where I can, but this family is my main priority.  There is tons to do with my time.  There is too much to do with my time. My hobbies can wait until I have more time on my hands.  I will do what I can when I can.  This time will be short and though the distractions are many I need to remember to stay focused.  It's the probably the hardest part.  The distractions are why I get so frustrated with my kids.  If I remember I have all the time in the world for them, it's a lot less frustrating.  The house can wait, my job can wait, my hobbies can wait, they are my life.  This is my world.  

     My family needs to be my distraction from all my distractions.  Focus, focus, focus.

Loaded question

There are a lot of loaded questions in life. Especially when anyone asks me.  I believe in telling the truth. If I'm not sure someone wants to hear it I usually ask if they're sure they want the answer before I say it, giving them fair warning they may not like what I'm about to say.  I'd rather have my feelings hurt with the truth than to not know at all. In this case I'm surrounded by people who tell me when they don't like what I do or say.  I'm glad for this.

I'm talking about a real loaded question I never thought was before now. Aaron and I are coming up on 16 years of marriage.  I'm a helpless romantic. Always have been. I believe there is romance in the most simple of things.  There is romance in a look, a slight touch, doing hard work together, just about anything can hold romance.  I used to think, in life and in movies one of the most romantic things was when people say "I love you, " or "will you marry me".  I've come to realized the latter is a loaded question.

Asking someone to marry you isn't just saying I'd like to be best friends forever and would like to spend the rest of my life loving you.  It's much more.  It's saying will you deal with me being a jerk sometimes and ignoring you other times when I'm too tired or in my own world.  It's saying there are going to be bills we sometimes won't be able to pay and I'd like you to be there with me when I have no ability to pay them. It's asking them to see your worst and best side and loving you sometimes in spite of them.  It's asking someone to deal with bodily fluids if you have kids and saying they'll stick it our.  Asking someone for them to marry you doesn't sound so romantic when thinking of all the things life holds.

I have been running on burn out for a couple of years now, if not longer.  I have serious issues with delegation.  My dad always said, "If you want something done, you're got to do it yourself." I found he was off just a bit.  It really goes, "if you want something done the way you want it done, you've got to do it yourself."  I therefore have a hard time delegating because I expect things done to my specifications and have a hard time when it's not done that way.  Not controlling at all, right?

So after running on burn out for so very long and realizing that my life as I know it now started with a simple and sweet proposal of, "will you marry me," I realized how loaded that question was.  Of course I still think it terribly romantic.  I always will.  Now though my thoughts have changed a bit.

I realized that his loaded question has brought me boys who often disrespect me, but try to do what I've told them when not at home.  Others love my boys and say I'm doing a good job with them.  I hope at this point they're being honest, because honestly I often can't see it.  I'm in the forest and can't find a log to sit on, but who has time to sit these days.

I haven't had time to write, which is my way of getting through. I learned long ago, as a teenager that if I can write it all out, I'll be OK.  I've had a crazy past two weeks that would usually send me over the edge with already running on burn out, but since I'd already been thinking of how I'd said yes to Aaron's loaded question so many years ago it was OK.  I took it all in stride and hardly complained while doing damage control.

Sometimes that's what it takes too.  Taking things back to the beginning and realizing how we got where we were.  That's how we can deal with the here and now.  Remembering him kneeling down with me in his arms and asking me so sincerely if I'd consent to be his forever.  I remember if he asked I was going to tease him, but he'd taken me by surprise and popped that loaded question.  With tears in my eyes I said yes and here we are.  Sixteen years later with 5 boys who grow too fast, a mortgage and bills we sometimes have a hard time paying. 

I love my crazy life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything, although sometimes it's tempting to get a quiet hotel room so I can read a book and get some peace and quiet.  I love that he asked me that loaded question and that without knowing all that would transpire I took a leap and said yes.  Best question I've ever been asked and best decision I've ever made.