All my dreams

     Sometimes I look at my life and think I'm overwhelmed and just don't know how to take another step forward.  Sometimes it gets to me how others treat me, and I don't know how to react.  So I sometimes just have quiet moments where I don't react. I guess this makes some people upset, I'm sure it's because I'm not really a very quiet person.  However, I've found that I've been having more and more quiet moments as I get older just to observe what's going on, get a better grasp on things and to take off with what I think is right from there. 
     In all these times of chaos and wonder I sometimes look at my life as a whole and wonder how I got here.  For a long time I was thinking this isn't what I'd wanted or what I thought life would be like.  I saw only a little of this coming and I'm usually good at seeing the end of choices from the beginning choice, with the exception of seeing others reactions. 
     Here I come to a point.  I realized during one of these quiet moments that all of my dreams have come true to this point.  My dreams as I saw them haven't, but my dreams have come true all the same. 
    
     At the age of 15 I had decided I wasn't a very good person and that no one would want to be with me for eternity, let alone for the time of life.  So I'd decided that I just needed to deal.  It just wasn't going to happen because I am so hard to be around in the long term.  I always like to say that a little bit of me goes a long way.  I love being around others and can't seem to get my fill of being around people and their various personalities. 
     This is where Aaron comes in.  Without being anyone that will change the world, he's changed mine.  He is far more quiet about what he thinks than I am and he doesn't really fight me on things I think with just a few exceptions. He has a fiery temper and we've gotten into a few.  Sometimes I just like a good fight.  Nothing like it for getting the temper calmed.
     I started to realized he's made all my dreams come true this past year when we were able to pay cash for a car.  We'd saved half of two tax returns to pay cash for it, and it was hard, but we did it.  That was a huge dream for me. I'd always wanted to one day pay cash for a car and not have a payment.  I thought wow, that's so great I've married someone who can help me with my dream that way.  I briefly thought that it was cool, but that I still felt unfulfilled with my other dreams. 
     That's when I looked deeper.  I realized he's made other dreams come true too.  Funny how I'm a little slow sometimes, or maybe it's because I'm so buried in the situation.  I remembered after we'd gotten our wedding pictures back and looking at his.  He had this sparkle in his eye that could only be described at love and a positive outlook on the future.  I couldn't believe it was captured on film.  Wow. I burst into tears and he asked what was wrong.  All I could do was look at him and say, "you really love me!" He of course just laughed and said, "of course."
     He's endured me in marriage for nearly 16 years and he knew me for 2 years before that.  I'm stunned he'd love me for this long.  Sometimes I catch him just looking at me.  I ask him what and he just says, "can't I look at my beautiful wife?"  I'm always stunned by that. 
     He's given me 5 beautiful, wonderful sons and I couldn't have asked for different.  These are the most amazing people I've ever met.  I am constantly in awe of how intelligent they are and how much they love me. Sometimes I get to the end of my rope dealing with their fights and conflicts and needs.  The other day though, I was heading to the bathroom and they (yes, all 5) were trailing behind me all saying, "Mom".   I was a little annoyed that once again it was going to be hard to close the bathroom door with everyone vying for my attention.  Then I turned around and looked at them.  In that moment I realized something.  I wasn't being bombarded for no reason.  I felt popular.  There are lots of kids that want nothing to do with their parents, especially as they reach 11 and 13 like my two oldest.  They were also in the throng trying to get me to listen for a second.  I was stunned that in their eyes I saw love and a desire to just be with me and talk.  I was like a popular star or something.  It felt amazing to get a whole new outlook on that.  Aaron has made that possible.
     There are tons of other dreams he's made come true and it's funny that buying a car is what did it.  I was praying so long that instead of feeling this longing inside for more that I'd be satisfied with my situation and simply happy.  I think I've felt that and that I'm well on my way. 

Old Buildings

     So there's this old building I noticed yesterday for the first time ever.  I pass this part of town all the time and just never noticed this really tall building that is run down with most of the windows broken.  I love old buildings.  My mind starts going a million miles an hour at all the possibilities and how it would look fixed up and what uses it could be put to.
     I like the part on "It's a Wonderful Life" when he's making fun of the old house and she talks about how beautiful it is and how she'd like to live there one day.  So he makes his wish to leave and she makes her wish to someday live there with him.  I'm with her.
     I think part of my love for old buildings that Aaron shares is what helped us get this great house.  We were told by bank and realtor that we could afford so much more than we really could.  We decided how much we could afford and found a great deal.  We've had a lot of work to do and have tons more, but it's been worth it.  Our realtor wrote a letter a year later telling us he'd looked everywhere thinking he could find other young couples the same deal.  He said we're the only ones who were able to do it.  The Lord has blessed us in that regard.
     Thing is, I think for me this old building thing goes a little deeper.  I sometimes think we are like old buildings.  I think they sometimes reflect my heart.  I feel like I've been worn down and time is just getting to me.  I feel like if someone just took the time and paid attention then I'd be fixed up and new.  Of course, these are momentary thoughts.  They don't last long.  Just when I get into those moods and just before I get my fight on and turn it all around.
     Then I think sometimes people's bodies are like that, but on the inside they are like amazing mansions with gold everywhere and it's the kind of heart like in those buildings where everything is nice and you're afraid to break things.  Not exactly overly tender, but just like people say, "heart of gold."
     Silly stuff in my head sometimes, but I love old buildings.  They are awesome and amazing.  There can be an empty plot of land like a blank sheet of paper before the picture is made, but I don't see as much possibilities on an empty plot of land as I do with old buildings.
     Possibilities are a great thing.  I'm always looking for possibilities in everything I do.  A person can never know where the un-looked for possibilities can take them. It's a fun thing to "think outside the box" as they say.